Constantly Searching

Over the past 7 days (of which I worked 5 12 hour shifts) I have come home crying after 3 of them and flat out sobbing after one of them. My body aches, my heart is heavy, my soul is bruised, and my brain is probably firing on just a couple synapses right now – and I don’t think those synapses are next to each other. At one point this morning while I was trying to finish my end of shift paperwork I just leaned back in my chair and stared blindly at the computer screen because I just couldn’t focus on the task at hand. I’m so happy to have this one night off that I could just go tap dancing naked down the interstate.

I’ve been rendered speechless so many times this past week that I can’t count them. And those of you who know me well know that this is NOT a common occurrence. But right now I do have plenty to say:
People, life is short. Shorter than you know. Shorter than you can even imagine. Every day we have, every minute of that day, is such a precious gift. Cherish that gift. Use it. Make the most of it. Make the world better. Help somebody. LOVE SOMEONE.

Can we do a little more loving and a lot less hating? Think we can manage that before we just piss our lives away? Can we practice a little more tolerance? Maybe start listening to each other? Can we realize that sometimes there’s not a wrong side and a right side, there are just two different sides and probably a very reachable meeting place in the middle?

I don’t know. Maybe we can’t. Maybe everyone is so busy trying to be right, trying to win that they can’t even remember what they were fighting over to begin with.

Here’s what I do know. I know that I have a night off. I know that I have a brand new Jimmy Buffett CD that I’m going to listen to this evening while I make myself some sort of frosty, fruity, tropical-y alcoholic beverage while I sit on my back deck and stare at the trees, the sky, the birds…and maybe a deer if I’m lucky. I know that I’m not going to turn on the TV. I know that I’m not going to check any damn COVID-19 stats. And I know that I’m going to do everything I can to massage my soul back into shape so I can be ready to go back to work tomorrow night and give it all that I can.

For now I’m going to search for answers in the lyrics of a Buffett album and a bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.